The End

I've been musing on whether to continue this blog for some time now, as would be known to those who have been reading this blog for any period of time.

I'm over 3 years out from having my band surgery, and at one time I lost over 45 kilos. I've gained weight in the last year while I was out there "living my life" rather than being the fit, dedicated bandster I was for the first 2 years. I know how to address this, I have the tools to reverse it. I'm in an ok place as far as that goes.

This blog was only even meant to be about my journey with my lap band and then it morphed into a place where I came to vent and reflect on other things going on in my life. Although I could never feel completely comfortable in giving all the details of what was going on, because real life people read this blog. And that was hard. Even I need to have a place where I can have secrets.

So this will be my last post on this blog. I've started over somewhere else, completely anonymously. I won't be linking to the new blog or passing on the url details. Sorry. If anyone particularly wants to stay in contact with me, leave me a comment or your details and we can stay connected via facebook.

Happy New Year to all. Best wishes and luck for the future. Goodbye.

Pondering

I felt rubbish today and stayed home from work. I didn't leave the house, I lolled around, took a nap, and spent too much time on the internet, as usual.

I've felt a bit out of touch with the blog-iverse in the last little while. I know that I began censoring myself when I was writing here about more personal subjects because I could no longer fall back on my anonymity like I did with my other blogs. "Real" people who knew my name and where I lived and some of my stories came to read this blog via a forum I used to visit, heck I even had the url in my signature each time I posted there. I wasn't just blogger with a made up name in an unknown city. I don't visit that forum anymore but visitors from there still come here to read.

Today I spent some time reading some new blogs. The best of my most favourite blogs I have found by click, click, clicking through other people's blogrolls. I started reading some of my old blog I met my husband through. I was pretty messed up when my drinking first became an issue back then. But there were happy posts nearer the end, and I felt sentimental reading through the comments he left on that blog and how I felt as we fell in love and began our relationship through that blog. Just writing it sounds crazy and unbelievable, but here we are almost 4 years later and he's moved half way across the world to be with me and we're still together. Still in love. Building a life and future together. I love that blog for bringing him into my world.

I went to check on some of the peeps I had in my blogroll back then, some are still blogging at the same places after all these years. I felt nostalgic. I missed those connections. I missed reading the comments and encouragement they gave me, the kind of friendship I was able to build with them through the pure fact that we both blogged and found each other via that community.

There are things that would write about if this blog was still anonymous. I'm not going to deny that I withhold parts of myself in all areas of my life. Maybe I'm a fake, a phoney because of that. But especially of late I've realised that doing that is a protection thing for me. I'm not perfect. I make PLENTY of mistakes. Some I'd rather never speak of again. I don't know, I'm still pondering whether I should move on from here. I guess I've held back on that because I would leave this blog and all of its visitors and start over, completely anonymously again. I'd lose that contact again.

Sigh.

Blogging for the sake of blogging

I don’t remember the last time I had so much change going on in my life. So many ebbs and flows and entrances and exits.

I've struggled to find peace in the last little while. I find myself hanging onto things internally that I otherwise tell everyone I am done with. I don't want to appear to be the unstable crackpot that I sometimes feel like I am. I want my property back from a friend I cut off--a bag, my twilight book and some brand new hot rollers I had never even used and lent to her sister. Its silly, but they're mine and I want them, it’s the principle of it and all that crud. I want the chance to defend my reputation to those who took her and the other friend's side. I want to scream from the rooftops that I am a good person and did what I did simply to protect myself from allowing them to completely break me. As a result I've found it hard to keep a cap on my emotions at times--I find them bubbling over at wrong or silly times in response to something else, like I'm projecting to avoid dealing with them directly.

I am angry at myself for letting things get to where they were. I am disappointed that I invested so much of my self and love and time in people who were so obviously never going to be able to reciprocate that. I am angry that I let those relationships negatively affect my marriage and my relationship with my sister. While I've apologised over and over, I don't know that I will ever be completely absolved of that. But I am lucky to be reconnecting with my sister. While she bugs me and angers me and confuses me, she is my sister and I do love her. She has been a strength for me in this time when she could have said I told you so and walked away like I did to her when she needed me most.

I have grown to harbour a not so deeply buried fear of abandonment. And what do I do to avoid that? I stay distant. I remove my emotion. I go against everything I know I am because I'm not yet healed and I can't do this over again so soon. I can't give that trust so easily now even to people who are brand new in my life and who seem excited about getting to know me and getting spend time with me. They seem sweet genuine people on the surface, but I'm not able to just take that and let them in. I wish I could.

I hate the person this has made me. I hate that I prejudge and hold back. But God, it hurts so badly, I don’t know what else I can do.

The girl you lost to cocaine - Sia

youtube video - live

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I'm not your momma, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

I replied....

After talking to a friend on Friday about the facebook email, I decided that the only way he is going to go away and stay away is if I expressly tell him to. I decided to reply diplomatically, and thought if he didn't get it then, that I'd spell out for him in no uncertain terms so it was crystal clear. I sent this:

Hey, yes I'm well, thanks. No freaking out here....to be honest, I just don't think its worth getting into. History has proven that you're incredibly unperceptive when it comes to me and I just think there's way too much water under the bridge. Lets just move on. You have a new life now and I encourage you to enjoy it and leave me in your past for good. Please trust me when I say it'll be the best thing for both of us. Take care.

I've not heard back. Good.

Here we go again....

Ran again today. A little further, maybe 3.5-3.75kms.

Loved it. Loooooooooooved it!

Must lose the 10kgs I've put on. Will lose this 10kgs I've put on.

I'm a hypocrite

I am aware that I am a hypocrite.

I needed closure, so shoot me.

I won't be replying to the message below though. There's still nothing more than needs to be said.

What the hell?

It appears that maybe I should have sent this email back in June.

Cause it looks like completely cutting off contact with some people doesn't speak loudly enough.
I got this message in my facebook inbox today:

Hope you're well :) Don't freak out that I'm sending you a message - I gave you lots of space after you zapped me from your friends list on here ;) Everything ok? Did I do something horrible again…and not realise it…..again :P

What the hell is wrong with people? I've had an online friend cut me off in the last couple of months and after I asked why over email and never got a reply, I left it. Why keep pushing some one?

Especially some one like me who expressed very clearly what I needed from the friendship with him. What more could I possibly have to say?

Someone claims you're one of their best friends, but then disappears and won't return any emails, calls or texts while he splits up with his wife and gets a new live in girlfriend and then wonders why you are confused about the friendship when he suddenly pops up months down the track expecting for you to just fall back into that friendship?

Am I missing something? Seriously?

Today I ran

I ran today for the first time in about 10 months. I ran about 3kms.

I was slow and tired and heavy footed, but it felt good. Really good. My aim is to get my butt out there 3 times a week, I think that's doable.

After going through some emotional and friendship cleansing (yes, more!) over the past couple of months, I all of a sudden have more "me" time. I was giving my time to people who just didn't appreciate or deserve it. So I'm giving that time back to me. I deserve that.

I am saddened that another couple of friendships of mine deteriorated to the point where I had to walk away to protect myself, but while that was happening before my eyes, a friend from my college and University days reappeared. And was able to articulate what she wanted in a friendship. Which was just what I want from my friends.

Its funny how life ebbs and flows.

Spooked

I saw a ghost on the weekend.

I had a good evening out for a friend's birthday dancing at my favourite nightclub. Favourite because they have awesome DJ's and a strict gay and gay friendly patron policy which means I don't have to worry about being hit on by the men there (they're not even looking at me! LOL!). And, I've found I'm not a typical gay women's cup of tea either. When I go there I'm left to enjoy myself and my time with my friends and I'm not be questioned by complete strangers about why I'm "out without my husband".

I was walking from the nightclub to my car, a short distance, on my own. I was heading home for the night, it was around 2am on Sunday morning.

As I saw him, I thought to myself do I stop and say hi, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see him? I stopped and said hi. He replied saying "Wow, its been like 5 years, right?" "Yeah about that, or maybe even longer", I said.

We exchanged awkward chit chat for a little while and he asked me what was new. I replied flashing him my wedding and engagement rings and said "I'm married!". He was speechless, which took me by surprise. I tried changing the subject and he didn't say anything, and just looked at me blankly. So I said "I'm going, sorry, this is too awkward". He said "No, no, don't, sorry. You just told me you're married, you have to give me two seconds to process that".

We chatted a little more, I told him that I thought of him from time to time, but that I didn't expect to see him again after he moved so far away after the horrible, painful way things had ended up between us. I gave him a hug and said good bye, he looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy. "I am, yes" I replied. "Are you?". "As happy as I can be" he said and then told me to take care.

And I walked away and drove home.

I honestly didn't expect to ever see him again. He wasn't a "nightlife/clubbing" kind of person AT ALL when we knew each other, so seeing him in those circumstances was very odd. It was his different-ness that attracted me to him all those years ago--he was wearing suit pants and a matching tailored vest over a long sleeved shirt, clothes you wouldn't normally see on a 27 year old man. And I certainly didn't expect to see him back in town. That said, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel if I did see him. Before he walked out of my life, even a text message or email from him would make my heart flutter. He had sole possession of me. I gave all I was to him. He ruled me and I made some huge mistakes in my past because of the obsession I had with him.

But seeing him was finite and absolute closure on all of that. He didn't look the same, sound the same, look at me that same or ignite any kind of fire inside me the way he used to. I was just chatting to some one I used to know and who was important to me in a life gone by.

I got home and got into bed with my husband and whispered in his ear "I love you" as I pulled him in close to me. I fell asleep feeling lucky, happy and like a chapter of my life I never thought would be closed, firmly, firmly shut.