youtube video - live
I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown
Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate
So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I'm not your momma, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine
Monday, November 30, 2009
I replied....
After talking to a friend on Friday about the facebook email, I decided that the only way he is going to go away and stay away is if I expressly tell him to. I decided to reply diplomatically, and thought if he didn't get it then, that I'd spell out for him in no uncertain terms so it was crystal clear. I sent this:
Hey, yes I'm well, thanks. No freaking out here....to be honest, I just don't think its worth getting into. History has proven that you're incredibly unperceptive when it comes to me and I just think there's way too much water under the bridge. Lets just move on. You have a new life now and I encourage you to enjoy it and leave me in your past for good. Please trust me when I say it'll be the best thing for both of us. Take care.
I've not heard back. Good.
Hey, yes I'm well, thanks. No freaking out here....to be honest, I just don't think its worth getting into. History has proven that you're incredibly unperceptive when it comes to me and I just think there's way too much water under the bridge. Lets just move on. You have a new life now and I encourage you to enjoy it and leave me in your past for good. Please trust me when I say it'll be the best thing for both of us. Take care.
I've not heard back. Good.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Here we go again....
Ran again today. A little further, maybe 3.5-3.75kms.
Loved it. Loooooooooooved it!
Must lose the 10kgs I've out on. Will lose this 10kgs I've put on.
Loved it. Loooooooooooved it!
Must lose the 10kgs I've out on. Will lose this 10kgs I've put on.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I'm a hypocrite
I am aware that I am a hypocrite.
I needed closure, so shoot me.
I won't be replying to the message below though. There's still nothing more than needs to be said.
I needed closure, so shoot me.
I won't be replying to the message below though. There's still nothing more than needs to be said.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
What the hell?
It appears that maybe I should have sent this email back in June.
Cause it looks like completely cutting off contact with some people doesn't speak loudly enough.
I got this message in my facebook inbox today:
Hope you're well :) Don't freak out that I'm sending you a message - I gave you lots of space after you zapped me from your friends list on here ;) Everything ok? Did I do something horrible again…and not realise it…..again :P
What the hell is wrong with people? I've had an online friend cut me off in the last couple of months and after I asked why over email and never got a reply, I left it. Why keep pushing some one?
Especially some one like me who expressed very clearly what I needed from the friendship with him. What more could I possibly have to say?
Someone claims you're one of their best friends, but then disappears and won't return any emails, calls or texts while he splits up with his wife and gets a new live in girlfriend and then wonders why you are confused about the friendship when he suddenly pops up months down the track expecting for you to just fall back into that friendship?
Am I missing something? Seriously?
Cause it looks like completely cutting off contact with some people doesn't speak loudly enough.
I got this message in my facebook inbox today:
Hope you're well :) Don't freak out that I'm sending you a message - I gave you lots of space after you zapped me from your friends list on here ;) Everything ok? Did I do something horrible again…and not realise it…..again :P
What the hell is wrong with people? I've had an online friend cut me off in the last couple of months and after I asked why over email and never got a reply, I left it. Why keep pushing some one?
Especially some one like me who expressed very clearly what I needed from the friendship with him. What more could I possibly have to say?
Someone claims you're one of their best friends, but then disappears and won't return any emails, calls or texts while he splits up with his wife and gets a new live in girlfriend and then wonders why you are confused about the friendship when he suddenly pops up months down the track expecting for you to just fall back into that friendship?
Am I missing something? Seriously?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Today I ran
I ran today for the first time in about 10 months. I ran about 3kms.
I was slow and tired and heavy footed, but it felt good. Really good. My aim is to get my butt out there 3 times a week, I think that's doable.
After going through some emotional and friendship cleansing (yes, more!) over the past couple of months, I all of a sudden have more "me" time. I was giving my time to people who just didn't appreciate or deserve it. So I'm giving that time back to me. I deserve that.
I am saddened that another couple of friendships of mine deteriorated to the point where I had to walk away to protect myself, but while that was happening before my eyes, a friend from my college and University days reappeared. And was able to articulate what she wanted in a friendship. Which was just what I want from my friends.
Its funny how life ebbs and flows.
I was slow and tired and heavy footed, but it felt good. Really good. My aim is to get my butt out there 3 times a week, I think that's doable.
After going through some emotional and friendship cleansing (yes, more!) over the past couple of months, I all of a sudden have more "me" time. I was giving my time to people who just didn't appreciate or deserve it. So I'm giving that time back to me. I deserve that.
I am saddened that another couple of friendships of mine deteriorated to the point where I had to walk away to protect myself, but while that was happening before my eyes, a friend from my college and University days reappeared. And was able to articulate what she wanted in a friendship. Which was just what I want from my friends.
Its funny how life ebbs and flows.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Spooked
I saw a ghost on the weekend.
I had a good evening out for a friend's birthday dancing at my favourite nightclub. Favourite because they have awesome DJ's and a strict gay and gay friendly patron policy which means I don't have to worry about being hit on by the men there (they're not even looking at me! LOL!). And, I've found I'm not a typical gay women's cup of tea either. When I go there I'm left to enjoy myself and my time with my friends and I'm not be questioned by complete strangers about why I'm "out without my husband".
I was walking from the nightclub to my car, a short distance, on my own. I was heading home for the night, it was around 2am on Sunday morning.
As I saw him, I thought to myself do I stop and say hi, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see him? I stopped and said hi. He replied saying "Wow, its been like 5 years, right?" "Yeah about that, or maybe even longer", I said.
We exchanged awkward chit chat for a little while and he asked me what was new. I replied flashing him my wedding and engagement rings and said "I'm married!". He was speechless, which took me by surprise. I tried changing the subject and he didn't say anything, and just looked at me blankly. So I said "I'm going, sorry, this is too awkward". He said "No, no, don't, sorry. You just told me you're married, you have to give me two seconds to process that".
We chatted a little more, I told him that I thought of him from time to time, but that I didn't expect to see him again after he moved so far away after the horrible, painful way things had ended up between us. I gave him a hug and said good bye, he looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy. "I am, yes" I replied. "Are you?". "As happy as I can be" he said and then told me to take care.
And I walked away and drove home.
I honestly didn't expect to ever see him again. He wasn't a "nightlife/clubbing" kind of person AT ALL when we knew each other, so seeing him in those circumstances was very odd. It was his different-ness that attracted me to him all those years ago--he was wearing suit pants and a matching tailored vest over a long sleeved shirt, clothes you wouldn't normally see on a 27 year old man. And I certainly didn't expect to see him back in town. That said, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel if I did see him. Before he walked out of my life, even a text message or email from him would make my heart flutter. He had sole possession of me. I gave all I was to him. He ruled me and I made some huge mistakes in my past because of the obsession I had with him.
But seeing him was finite and absolute closure on all of that. He didn't look the same, sound the same, look at me that same or ignite any kind of fire inside me the way he used to. I was just chatting to some one I used to know and who was important to me in a life gone by.
I got home and got into bed with my husband and whispered in his ear "I love you" as I pulled him in close to me. I fell asleep feeling lucky, happy and like a chapter of my life I never thought would be closed, firmly, firmly shut.
I had a good evening out for a friend's birthday dancing at my favourite nightclub. Favourite because they have awesome DJ's and a strict gay and gay friendly patron policy which means I don't have to worry about being hit on by the men there (they're not even looking at me! LOL!). And, I've found I'm not a typical gay women's cup of tea either. When I go there I'm left to enjoy myself and my time with my friends and I'm not be questioned by complete strangers about why I'm "out without my husband".
I was walking from the nightclub to my car, a short distance, on my own. I was heading home for the night, it was around 2am on Sunday morning.
As I saw him, I thought to myself do I stop and say hi, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see him? I stopped and said hi. He replied saying "Wow, its been like 5 years, right?" "Yeah about that, or maybe even longer", I said.
We exchanged awkward chit chat for a little while and he asked me what was new. I replied flashing him my wedding and engagement rings and said "I'm married!". He was speechless, which took me by surprise. I tried changing the subject and he didn't say anything, and just looked at me blankly. So I said "I'm going, sorry, this is too awkward". He said "No, no, don't, sorry. You just told me you're married, you have to give me two seconds to process that".
We chatted a little more, I told him that I thought of him from time to time, but that I didn't expect to see him again after he moved so far away after the horrible, painful way things had ended up between us. I gave him a hug and said good bye, he looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy. "I am, yes" I replied. "Are you?". "As happy as I can be" he said and then told me to take care.
And I walked away and drove home.
I honestly didn't expect to ever see him again. He wasn't a "nightlife/clubbing" kind of person AT ALL when we knew each other, so seeing him in those circumstances was very odd. It was his different-ness that attracted me to him all those years ago--he was wearing suit pants and a matching tailored vest over a long sleeved shirt, clothes you wouldn't normally see on a 27 year old man. And I certainly didn't expect to see him back in town. That said, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel if I did see him. Before he walked out of my life, even a text message or email from him would make my heart flutter. He had sole possession of me. I gave all I was to him. He ruled me and I made some huge mistakes in my past because of the obsession I had with him.
But seeing him was finite and absolute closure on all of that. He didn't look the same, sound the same, look at me that same or ignite any kind of fire inside me the way he used to. I was just chatting to some one I used to know and who was important to me in a life gone by.
I got home and got into bed with my husband and whispered in his ear "I love you" as I pulled him in close to me. I fell asleep feeling lucky, happy and like a chapter of my life I never thought would be closed, firmly, firmly shut.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Why blog?
I've been thinking over the last couple of weeks about whether I want to start a new blog or not. Or if I want to blog at all.
I began my first blog in 2003 after seeing an article in a Cosmo or Cleo magazine about the "blog craze" that was taking over the internet. I'd never even heard of a weblog and was incredibly intrigued. After reading a few "diary" type blogs over a couple of weeks I decided to start my own. At the time I was a troubled 25 year old woman with a sense of direction stupidly skewed by a desperate and all encompassing unrequited love. A woman who was doing things that I was most definitely not proud of. Things that I didn't and couldn't speak to anyone about. Looking back even now I'm absolutely ashamed of what I was doing. It all ended with big dramatic fireworks and three broken hearts just a matter of weeks before I began my first blog in a very Sex and the Cityish way--much like when Natasha finds out that Carrie is sleeping with Big. So yeah. And I found it SO comforting to have this place where I could have those conversations with myself that I couldn't possibly imagine ever having with another person. Of course, having a blog didn't automatically turn off the "foolish" switch in my head, but it gave me a little perspective over time. Especially on my drinking and the toxic personal situations I repeatedly allowed myself to be a part of.
And once husband I were together, and that blog, through which we met each other (crazy huh!?) had served its purpose, I moved on. All in all, I've had 4 blogs and each one of them has ended up being a pretty raw account of my feelings over time, even if I never intended it to be, like here.
I was thinking this afternoon about why I no longer feel compelled to blog like I used to. Maybe its that I can keep my secrets inside now with out them eating away at me the way they used to because they aren't these terrible awful damaging ridiculous things blackening my heart. Maybe I can have those conversations out loud and full of honesty with other people now. Whatever it is, I do some what miss having that place to purge and whine and grin and ponder. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still thinking, so watch this space....
I began my first blog in 2003 after seeing an article in a Cosmo or Cleo magazine about the "blog craze" that was taking over the internet. I'd never even heard of a weblog and was incredibly intrigued. After reading a few "diary" type blogs over a couple of weeks I decided to start my own. At the time I was a troubled 25 year old woman with a sense of direction stupidly skewed by a desperate and all encompassing unrequited love. A woman who was doing things that I was most definitely not proud of. Things that I didn't and couldn't speak to anyone about. Looking back even now I'm absolutely ashamed of what I was doing. It all ended with big dramatic fireworks and three broken hearts just a matter of weeks before I began my first blog in a very Sex and the Cityish way--much like when Natasha finds out that Carrie is sleeping with Big. So yeah. And I found it SO comforting to have this place where I could have those conversations with myself that I couldn't possibly imagine ever having with another person. Of course, having a blog didn't automatically turn off the "foolish" switch in my head, but it gave me a little perspective over time. Especially on my drinking and the toxic personal situations I repeatedly allowed myself to be a part of.
And once husband I were together, and that blog, through which we met each other (crazy huh!?) had served its purpose, I moved on. All in all, I've had 4 blogs and each one of them has ended up being a pretty raw account of my feelings over time, even if I never intended it to be, like here.
I was thinking this afternoon about why I no longer feel compelled to blog like I used to. Maybe its that I can keep my secrets inside now with out them eating away at me the way they used to because they aren't these terrible awful damaging ridiculous things blackening my heart. Maybe I can have those conversations out loud and full of honesty with other people now. Whatever it is, I do some what miss having that place to purge and whine and grin and ponder. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still thinking, so watch this space....
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Life sucks
My grandfather had a stroke tonight. My mother and her siblings may never see him again, and because of that my heart is aching.
Everything else that seemed so huge today pales in significance.
Everything else that seemed so huge today pales in significance.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Long time no post....
I've had a couple of people contact me via other avenues asking how I'm doing and why I'm not blogging any more.
An unbelievable amount has changed in my life over the past several months.
After husband and I returned from our holiday overseas, I was ready to pack up and leave him. Leave our marriage. I felt tired and empty and like I was just banging my head against the same wall over and over. He told me he wasn't going to let that happen and has been fighting for me since then. We're connecting on a new level, one based on honesty and on sharing raw feelings as they come up. No more running from that for us.
Another couple of people close to me disappointed me. One lied and lied and lied, and denied it when she was caught out and the other just behaved like a spoilt selfish self entitled child. People never cease to amaze me.
I don't know that I will be updating here all that often anymore. I started this blog to document my weightloss journey with my band and it ended up being a whole lot more than that. I'm not quite sure I want for this particular blog to take the path that it was leading to.
Should I start a new blog, I'll link to the url.
Stay safe, well and loved.
An unbelievable amount has changed in my life over the past several months.
After husband and I returned from our holiday overseas, I was ready to pack up and leave him. Leave our marriage. I felt tired and empty and like I was just banging my head against the same wall over and over. He told me he wasn't going to let that happen and has been fighting for me since then. We're connecting on a new level, one based on honesty and on sharing raw feelings as they come up. No more running from that for us.
Another couple of people close to me disappointed me. One lied and lied and lied, and denied it when she was caught out and the other just behaved like a spoilt selfish self entitled child. People never cease to amaze me.
I don't know that I will be updating here all that often anymore. I started this blog to document my weightloss journey with my band and it ended up being a whole lot more than that. I'm not quite sure I want for this particular blog to take the path that it was leading to.
Should I start a new blog, I'll link to the url.
Stay safe, well and loved.
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